Backslide

I've been slowly sliding back into a place that I don't like. I don't feel motivated. I feel sluggish. I have been slacking in my personal life, business and my full-time job. But I don't FEEL like I'm slacking. I feel like I'm drowning.

There isn't an event or a "thing" I can point to this time. Of course I'm still sad over the loss of our daughter and my fertility, but I think I'm in a good place with all of that now.

I can't figure out what it is that is making me feel this way, other than just being depressed. Depression is a weird thing. It's not like there aren't moments where things bring me joy and I'm happy to be doing something or be with someone. That definitely happens. But in-between those moments, my entire life is pretty grey and moves at a speed that doesn't feel real. There's never enough time because it takes me so long to do everything. Things that I was able to just get up and do 3 months ago feel almost impossible.

The area that has taken the biggest hit has been my personal business. I'm still trying to help my team and grow the business, but going live on Facebook, trying to put out motivational and helpful content... it's too much. And the fact that it feels like it's too much, when I know I am damn lucky to have the life that I have and the opportunities that I have is frustrating. People will always have it worse than we do. So am I allowed to hold that over my own head? Do I acknowledge that depression is a real thing and that it affects everyone in a different way? Typically I make destructive choices when I'm depressed, and I don't want to live that way anymore. I want to be bigger than the cloud in my brain.

This time around, depression has me not wanting to leave my room. I drag myself out of bed every morning to go to a job that has become insanely stressful and anxiety ridden. I work for a kind of start-up, cash flow is tight and my job is purchasing/buying for about 30 multi-million dollar clients. All day long I try to convince other businesses to ship product, extend terms and generally do us a lot of favors. We have a lot of growing pains as a company and a lot of them fall back on me to fix due to the nature of my job in supply chain.

By the time I get home and it's time for me to work on my personal business and spend time with my family, I'm emotionally drained and mentally spent. I miss being someone who would hop on Facebook or Instagram or YouTube and go on a motivational rant about loving yourself or getting out of your comfort zone. I was kicking ass at loving myself 3 months ago. Now, I feel as though I'm stuck. Has anything about me gone downhill in the last 3 months that I need to be ashamed of? No. Has that realization stopped me from feeling like garbage? Also no.

As conceited as it sounds, I know a lot of my videos helped people. I know I made a difference in people's lives. I know that working with women in my line of work has benefited them in some way or other. That's when I was the most happy I've ever been. When I was actively helping other women love themselves. I've lost that somehow. I feel like if I try to tell a friend to love herself she will be able to see right through me. "How can you tell me to love myself when you don't love yourself."

Where do I go from here?That's what I'm working on now. I've been talking to my husband about seeing a therapist and potentially getting on antidepressants. I know that in order to be the wife, mother, business owner and coworker I am meant to be, I need help.